Barstool New York Comments Of The Week Presented By JonnyCapp

KFC Editors Note: Before we get to JonnyCapp’s COTW, his was original email to me about the state of the comments section when he was thinking about coming on KFC Radio:

The Stool will never be the same. After getting blocked, the unoriginal took over. Today, it looks like Disneyland. And while the trolls spew the same, tired, gay jokes, guys like The Viking are shaking their heads at what could have been a perfect opportunity to drop another gem. In the old days, commenters knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it’s like checking into an airport. And if you spit fire, you’re lucky if anyone gives you a thumbs up by Thursday. Today, it’s all gone. You get Numero Two to show up with a burner in a suitcase and some eighteen year old college kid is going to want his social security number. After the top dogs got knocked out of the box, the douche bags tore down all of the old boards. And where did the ideas come from to rebuild the comment board? People like Hawaiibro. But in the end, I wound up right wear I started. I could still bring originality and I could still get a lot of laughs for all kinds of people back home. And why mess up a good thing.

Just had to post that to show people how dead ass serious some of these guys are about the comments section. I now present to you, JonnyCapp’s Comments of the Week:

That’s right you worthless bags of shit. I’m back! After the monstrosity Mattsh20 put together last round, KFC had no choice but to bring in the Lexington Steele of the comment game. Wasn’t a day that went by I didn’t chum the comment section into an absolute FEEDING. FRENZY. And if you don’t know who I am, welcome to Barstool Sports. Now if we’re being totally honest, I’d rather braid my pubic hair into a carpet than read through a week’s worth of your comments. Reason being 99.99% of them are all the same tired shit: Kevin you’re a fat, lazy-eyed fuck. These t-shirts suck you unathletic piece of shit. Fire Mo. Fire Feitelberg. Yadda, yadda, yadda and on and on it goes. Words of wisdom: Bring something to the comment section people can appreciate. Show some pride in yourself for Christ sakes. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to business. The following comments were selected because I felt they were either ridiculously hilarious, thought provoking, or otherwise had that jenna say qua that makes a comment shine.

They were far and few between, but none the less, here are your comments of the week:

10. Blog: Does This Look Like The Face Of A Woman That Told The Police “I Had Sex With My Cat And Everyone Knows It”?

Horation cornblower: “Blowing your cat is a sure fire way to make sure he doesn’t suffocate you in your sleep.”

Reason: Just an all-around funny comment from Horatio cornblower. I always got a kick out of the catbashing on the Stool because I honestly believe those demons come straight from the depths of hell. Frankly speaking, if you own a cat there’s a 95% chance I won’t let you hang out with me. Not being a jerk. Not being rude. I just can’t stand those fucking heathens.

9. Blog: It’s That Time Again…Atlantic City Fkcin Foam/Blackout Is Upon Us.

ezbreezey2222: “Since you are cutting out their faces can we get a NSFW section of these sluts begging for tickets?”

Reason: It was on the tip of everybody’s tongue, but it took ezbreezey2222 to finally come out and say it. Barstool After Dark needs to happen. Period.

8. Blog: Brooklyn Couple Brings Their Kid’s Entire Goddam Crib Outdoor Brunch.

whisky Esposito: “That’s called a playpen you mouth breathers. It probably folds up into a fucking backpack.”

Reason: I know this comment isn’t funny ha-ha, but whisky esposito reminded me of just the type of person I would fuck with on a daily basis. Like how easy is it to piss this guy off? Probably ruined his entire day knowing people thought it was totally unacceptable to bring a crib to a restaurant when it was actually just a playpen. Fucking mouth breathers.

7. Blog: MFK Monday’s – Dumb, Deaf or Blind

giantdad: “Having been near a fair amount of deaf people, marrying one is retarded. They are super fucking loud in everything they do. Every single conversation has to be a face to face because you have to be looking at each other. Total nightmare.”

Reason: I read this comment a couple times and couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of screaming into the face of a deaf person, making 100% eye contact, and asking them how their day was. Picture it and don’t laugh. You can’t.

6. Blog: Mom Turns To Craigslist To Get Virgin Son Laid Before He Goes To Harvard.

Dannytartabull: “sounds like the beginning of a brazzers scene”

Reason: I agree with you, but who plays mom? Who else, Ava Addams.

5. Blog: Matt Harvey to Start The All Star Game

Johncoffee: “I love how we got KFC writing and tweeting about a terrible team, Big Cat tweeting and going to games of a terrible team, but we can’t get Boston writers to mention the Sox, a first place team, other than their owners or Jenny Dell.”

Reason: I’m not going to sit here and tell you what needs be posted on the Stool, but at the same time, the Red Sox NEED to be mentioned on the Boston page. Best record in the American League and not so much as a fucking peep from Team Pizza. While we’re on the Red Sox, let’s go ahead and put the “Jenny ‘Boom Boom’ Dell” nickname to rest. Sometimes in life you have to realize a poor investment and cut your losses. This is one of them.

4. Blog: Astor Place Starbucks Being Sued By a Bunch of Deaf People Because The Baristas Laughed in their Faces.

Imtough: “The only people Starbucks baristas should be laughing at are McDonald’s employees.

Reason: What can I say? Day in day out Jonnycapp Jr. is putting in THAT WORK. Nobody and I mean nobody is more committed to giving you guys something to bitch about while you sit in your cube and count the hours till you can go home and drink/jerk yourselves into a bolivian.

3. Blog: Victor Cruz Apologizes For Tweet About The Hood Catching Up To George Zimmerman

Crosbysbrain: “Do black people still think Zimmerman is white?”

Reason: Is this a controversial COTW? Sure. Is it also the question that everybody seems to be avoiding? You bet your ass it is. For the past couple months the media has been hammering the black v white issue down everybody’s necks. Personally, I think it has nothing to do with that at all. Two people were caught in a tragic situation, and unfortunately, one is dead and the other one’s life is ruined.

2. Blog: Drunk Ass Dude in The West Village Got Knocked The FUCK Out After Dropping N Bombs On a Black Guy Eating Lunch.

mississippi: “NHL ‘94”

Reason: It speaks for itself. Gem.

1. Blog: Who’s This Dude In The Picture With KFC

Maukstraussity: “So Papi refers to his dick as ‘The Bat’ now?”

Reason: As you already know, I usually stayed away from gay, nose, lazy-eye, and Jew comments because I thought they were lazy and hardly ever funny. That being said, this comment is more than the exception to the rule. It’s perfect.

And there you have it, this week’s best comments brought to you by none other than your girlfriend’s favorite commenter. Now excuse me while I go crush some bud lights and bang out push-ups until I feel compelled to come back and bless you with my wisdom.